well.. i'm back from shocco.. not to many of yall even knew i was gone. theirs jus so much to say but not enough words to say it or time. jus some thoughts about it.. it was over all pretty good for those who are curious and unfortinetly couldn't make it. but honestly.. this shocco was probably one of the worst i've ever had.. reason bein that the person that is so important to me didn't even look at me.. or acknowledge that i was there.. maybe she did.. but whenever i looked at her.. she would be doin her own thing.. smilin and laughin.. which was good cause i knew she was havin a good time.. but it killed me inside that i couldn't talk to her.. i couldn't even let her know how i felt.. it was good seein her.. but i jus wanted more.. i talked to some friends till 3 in the mornin durin the retriet about my siuation and they gave me some good arguments.. so i basically jus told her how i felt.. and was waitin for her to be ready to let me know her feedback.. basically my shocco was so bad because my thoughts and time were all about her.. it sounds pretty bad doesn't it? i mean non stop thinkin bout a person that i prolly wo'nt marry.. so then whats the point? i guess its because i know theirs some hope that things could be better.. and things could become more serious.. but enough of my personal life haha.. i went to a workshop right.. and they was talkin about Q&A in college.. i thought to myself.. it is the year 2007.. the year i graduated and the year i was supposed to go to college.. but i realized that i'm not goin to college this year.. atleast in fall semester.. things in my life was planned out.. with a little suprises on the way.. but this woke me up.. this was supposed to be my year.. but it sin't anymore.. i gave it up because i was lazy.. haha.. i put myself behind becuase of laziness.. tell me how that works out? but it was really cool seein the peers that i grew up with all growin up and takin tasks and situations that i guess.. "adults" do. the way they handled certain things, the fears that they've over come, like shyness, and leadership and stuff like that. durin sharin time alotta people actually had somethin meanin full to say, i remember last year some people would jus go up jus to say whatever, even though it had no relevence of their experience and how it affected them. but as i said, that this shocco was probably one of the worst one's that i've been too.. usually people get a spiritial high whenever they go. which isn't bad at all, we need that to keep up our faith. but it got me thinkin.. durin the prayer labrynth and everythin that.. why do we always depend on shocco or winter retriet to help revive ourselves.. cause we know its commin, and until the retriets start, we still do nothin about ourselves to better prepare ourselves, we give it all to the worship, the speaker, and the vibe.. thats honestly givin out alotta trust in somethin thats not certain. but i was thinkin that if i kept gettin a spiritual highh everytime i went to shocco or a retriet.. that would mean i've fallin so much in just a year. and bein alive for about 18 years and fallin further and further each year only to be "awakened" by a retriet jus doens't make sense. you get an amazin experience, you cry, then a few months later, your fallin again and waitin for somethin to wake you up. i mean.. honestly.. you put your trust in somethin thats not a gurantee.. and when their is a gurantee we all over look it.. i'm not tryina preach or anythin or criticize.. its jus what i'm thinkin.. i thank God each day for the mornin that i wake up to, the house, each breath i have when i wake up and when i sleep. cause life is a gift. its not somethin that supposed to happen. but i wasn't plannin on bein broken.. i really do'nt want to be broken.. at all.. my life was goin aiite before hand too. i would pray in the mornins and thank God for all he's done in my life. and in 3 days. i couldn't do anythin but think about the important person in my life.. and how sad and emotional i got over it. if it was ment to be, if its your will. let it be. | 